Monday

Sadness has taken a hold of me today (My story)

Today after lunch i knew the day had taken a turn. I started feeling very anxious, nauseous and the headache was so bad i cried and cried, but of course it simply got worse.

I want to share this with you because i really need to vent a little...

About 12 years ago my mother died in car accident on her way to pick me up from the airport. She had left on vacation to Dominican Republic and i was schedule to meet her there 2 weeks after. My flight was schedule to leave at 7 a.m, but i was late and missed my flight. I was able to get on a later flight, which meant i would land in DR at about 9pm. Unfortunately there was no one there to pick me up, at about 7pm and very close to the airport my mother and 2 other passengers who were also family members, were killed. It's been 12 long crazy years since this tragedy happened and i still get physically sick when i think about it.

My God is a awesome God, and without Him i would of never made it out of the dark place i once was. For almost 8 years i lived in a very dark and lonely place, where only God, my Husband and kids kept me sane. If it was up to me i would of self-destruct little by little. But because of His grace i am here.

For so long, i blamed myself not only for my mother's death but also my 2 cousins who died along with her. Many people have said to me, my husband especially that i don't have the power to cause such drastic event. I believe it, yet there;s one truth that keeps me hostage.

The night before my departure to DR i had only slept about 2 hours, i woke up late so i missed my first flight. I've always asked myself what if i would of never missed that flight, why was i so irresponsible about this?  I mean i do know and believe God is in control of everything and He allows things to happen, but why this? And why can't i get past this? Before today i really thought things were getting better, and these feelings were finally dying out. But after speaking to my sister today, i can't help but feel horrible for robbing them of a mother. I was only 16 when this happened my sister was 9 and my brother 8, so the've never had a mom there through the most important times in their life...I'm hurting today- deeply.. Will continue another time because right now i need to pray for peace...

God Bless y'all



15 Comment Here:

Mary said...

I am so sorry about what happened to your mom and cousins. I'm sorry you are feeling this way today. I pray that you can find comfort and peace.

Braley Mama said...

Praying for peace for you!! It was your moms day to go home to her father and you cousins. You had nothing to do with it. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for our God to comfort you!!!!Hugs, your blog friend:O)

My Heart said...

Praying for you, Jackie.

Your husband is right; there is no way you could have caused this. It was circumstances. I know you know it but you just don't believe it right? It is easy to blame yourself because you want to blame someone, perhaps?

I pray for strength and peace to rise up within you and for a release of that guilt and condemnation for neither of those things come from God but are intended to distract you from Him.

Sleep well. Joy comes in the morning...

Rhonda said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your tragic loss. I too lost my dad in an auto accident. I was 14. I know the pain is real. It has been 24 years ago this month. I still miss him. I broke down about a month ago during the Shred wondering why I've let myself go for so long. My dad's accident came to mind. It has been tough! I used food to ease the pain!

I will certainly lift you up in prayers tonight. It was not your fault. Jeremiah 29:11...For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

heather said...

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. What a tragic and heartbreaking thing you've been through and carried for so long.

I am praying for you to be comforted and have peace.

Angela said...

Jackie,
You know that in no way you would have wanted that to happen so there is no way it could have been your fault. It just did. We all are human. It is not your fault. I am so sorry and hope that God brings you more peace today.

Gina said...

I feel for you! It's not something that will ever fully leave you I'm sure, but I pray will help you to appreciate each day and really live it, instead of going through the motions. I experience a lot of anxiety around death & dying and the one benefit (although it's hard to see) is that I really am living in the moment. I feel for those that don't and wish each day away. In some way it's a small gift, even if it's painful. Hopefully you can again come to peace that it was a circumstance out of your control and forgive yourself for the missed flight. If you would have known, you would never have made that choice. I bet your mom would tell you the same thing!

Jackiedlc said...

THANK YOU SO much ladies! I really, really appreacite each and every comment..

I'm taking heart of everything you ladies said and praying my way through these feelings...

Cascia said...

I am so sorry about this. I just can't imagine what you went through. But there isn't anything you could have done it was not your fault. I believe that God does things for a reason and sometimes we just don't understand why and we probably never will. Hang in there. I will keep you in my prayers as well.

Kate said...

Oh Jackie, my heart is hurting for you so much. I'm so sorry you lost your mother.

You are NOT at fault, sweet sister. Praying that our loving Father strengthens and comforts you.

Sending you lots and lots of hugs.

Kasey said...

I'm so sorry this happened. I know your pain. My brother died on the way to my birthday party when i was 10. I blamed myself for the longest time. why did i have to BEG him to come? He would have never had the wreck! I miss my brother every single day. He was my best friend. But God has helped me through. Every year on my birthday, it's sometimes hard to have fun because I have to add another year on to my brothers death. But I know he's watching over me. God has reasons FOR EVERYTHING... you have to let this guilt go. It's not your fault, it never was, and never will be. I will be praying for you.

Cori Lynn said...

So sorry to hear of your tragic loss. Praying for comfort and peace over you.

Alma said...

I'm so very sorry about your mom's passing, Jackie. You will be in my prayers. I hope you can come to terms with it someday, an understand that it wasn't your fault. If you ever need to talk or anything, I'm just an e-mail away. *hugs*

Mrs. Schutt said...

Wow, we seem to have a lot in common. I just found you on McMama's Blogfrog community. I shred too (or did, http://shredbabyshred.blogspot.com/ before I got pregnant). And I also lost my mom & li'l brother in a car accident in December. I too blame myself because I was suppose to be driving her that day. Instead, she drove herself and supposedly fell asleep... Anyway, I just felt compelled to reply. I'll definitely be praying for continued peace & comfort for you.

~Jaima
http://jaimaschutt.blogspot.com/

Lori said...

All we can do is pray our way through our feelings. They are real and they don't go away. I'll pray for you too. I get anxious in certain situations too!